Carlos Boozer to English Dictionary -- Episode 1

Communication is essential in all group efforts; it doesn't matter if you work at a pizza parlor or a professional sports team -- if your communication skills are lacking then you may actually hurt your team. Carlos Boozer, I've come to believe, speaks his own language. How else can you justify his comments to the press and his in-game chatter? As a result I've taken it upon myself to translate some of what he says into what it means. Here's the first batch, enjoy!

5. "My _______ (injured body part) is fine. I'm ready to play!" Situation: Any given interview with Carlos Boozer that discusses his injury du jour. What this means:

"I'm so unbelievably brittle that at times I can make Tracy McGrady look like Cal Ripken Jr. I fully expect that ______ (injured body part) will never, ever heal, or will be surgically removed in the next few days. The pain I feel is a deep as an ocean. An ocean of pain, if you will. I will never admit that I am going to miss months of action for fear that it may interfere with any potential trades and/or my current contract year aspirations of becoming even more wealthy. In conclusion: don't hold your breath for me to return from my injury."

Example: Pretty much every few months / planned Boozer family vacations during the year.

 

 

4. "Memo!!! Get it!!" / "Memo!!! Grab it!!" Situation: Utah Jazz players are on defense and Carlos Boozer has just been beaten by his man, or failed to box out his man, or is himself boxed out and cannot effectively defend the play. There are several variations on this, depending on the in-game situation, for example, sometimes he says "AK!!!! Get it!!" instead of "Memo!!! Get it!!!" What this means:

"Memo! I suck at defense, grab the rebound before the other team gets it / rotate and end up fouling my man -- whom I was unable to stay in front of, yet did not wish to foul on my own!"

Example: Almost every game.

 

 

3. "And one!" Situation: Carlos Boozer, or any other Utah Jazz player has just taken a shot in the paint. This is proclaimed at all times: shot goes in, shot doesn't go in, ref calls a foul, ref does not call a foul, there is actually no foul, or there was a legit foul on the play. What this means:

"I wish to suggest strongly that I (or Jazz player who took the shot) was fouled, yet we still were good enough to score -- and I will continue saying this even in the event that the ref does call the foul, or in the event that the ball has no chance to go into the hoop. I'm so good at saying "And One!" that they should be counted as assists."

Example: Boozer scoring against the Golden State Warriors . . . this one is actually an example where the ball goes in, but if you watch as many Jazz games as I do, you know that the ball going in (or an actual foul being committed) is not a prerequisite for this exclamation.

 

2. "Rrraaaaghghaghghahghhhh!" Situation: Any play where Carlos Boozer exerts himself beyond the breaking point of any lesser man, or mortal who ever lived. This can be a tough rebound, a hard finish, or alternatively, whenever Boozer shoots a free throw that so obviously has no chance of going in, that he is forced to deflect some of the attention from the shot to the large man making noises at the free throw line. What this means:

"Hey! Everybody! Don't look at my horrible shot, look at me! I'm really sorry for missing, I usually make them, gimme another try! I can make animal noises!"

Example: A few highlight plays every game, or, 30.3% of his free throw attempts.

 

 

1. "Oohh! SH*T!!!" Situation: Carlos Boozer just committed an in-game infraction or otherwise made a bad play / is unable to react to a disadvantageous situation in any meaningful way except to announce that something bad just happened. What this means:

"Something bad just happened."

Example: Just watch this video of Chuck Hayes (of the Houston Rockets) shooting free throws . . .

ESPN, and the fans who love to hate them

Okay, let's get something straight right off the bat -- ESPN (the self-proclaimed world wide leader in sports) doesn't like small market teams, and fans of those teams don't like ESPN. Why? Well, you're more likely to hear a story about Kobe, LeBron, the Yankees or the Dallas Cowboys twice before you even hear them mention the final score of the game your favorite team played last night in. There's really more money to make by appeasing the larger markets than they would get by (and I'm dating myself here), talking about an exciting 11 inning game between the Cincinnati Reds and the Montreal Expos. No one cares about that, we need to hear about the color and abnormal nitrogen content of Jeter's piss.

Thankfully, we have the Internet -- and no longer need big sports shows to tell us who won or who lost. Unfortunately, the liberation we (the multitude of fans who love teams that the big networks hate) should feel fails to exist in reality. As big as the Internet is, it's not immune to corporate domination. Take me for example, I've sworn off watching Sportcenter because of their decision (which is a logical financial move on their part) to shun giving major coverage to obscure, esoteric teams. I don't need to watch them spin a Jazz win into the other team losing the game, and then make excuse for that team --  okay, so the Lakers were tired, but the Jazz were playing without Carlos Boozer, Andrei Kirilenko and Brevin Knight -- obvious advantage to the Jazz there! Yet, my browser homepage (over the course of over a decade, and several computers) continues to be the ESPN.com NBA homepage.

Why do I even go there? It's more a self preservation based strategy really, as ESPN.com is a lot more user friendly than the labyrinthine navigation needed in order to actually get what you want out of the Official NBA Website. With a few clicks I can view, sort and analyze all the data from last nights games, or the last 5 years worth. The fact is that while they do a poor job of sharing the spotlight on the air, ESPN.com could be really great for the fans of all teams. Yet, they do an equally poor job over "the Internets".

Their website is a storehouse of just the information any fan needs in order to construct their own opinions, less the media biases that we all accuse them of having. [Just look at the comments section of any article that says something . . . ESPN then becomes a pro-Lakers, anti-Lakers, pro-Kobe, anti-Kobe, pro-LeBron, anti-LeBron, pro-Celtics, anti-whatever propaganda machine -- according to us, the unwashed masses of sports fans.] Aside from any perceived real (or imagined) biases fans see, some of their "experts" aren't "expert" enough. But that's not even the worst part of ESPN.com's Internet presence.

The worst part is that we fans -- who love ESPN or hate them -- flock to their webpage like sheep, and build their reporting and analysis up so much (in our own minds, perceiving that their statements carry a greater weight of authority over other statements over the 'net) as the antecedent to getting upset about those very same reports and analysis. In effect, we champion them with one action, only to vilify them with another. No one would care if someone with no more a sports authority than you said something bad (or even worse, didn't say anything at all!) about your team. Our threat assessment alarm only goes off when it comes from people who 'are paid to know their stuff'.

I don't get upset if Charlie Rosen writes something inherently flawed. I don't go into "monkey crapping into his hand, only so he has something to throw" mode when someone at work thinks differently about the Lions draft strategy than I do. Thus, logically, I should not care about what is posted at ESPN.com . . . nor should anyone. Yet, hundreds of people everyday go into monkey poop mode (albeit with their keyboards, not their actual poop) on any opinion piece they put up. Sports fans, as passionate, emotional people with feverent loyalty, cannot really be asked to be sterile robots -- especially not when 'those d-bags over at ESPN are totally hatin' on ______ (your favorite team here), ______ (author of article uploaded onto ESPN.com) is such a d-bag!!!'

Let's just look at one of the most hotly contested regular features: Marc Stein's Weekly NBA Power Rankings. Back in the day when Stein only used to write the occasional opinion piece on the ESPN.com website I did not go crazy. He appeared to favor some teams over others and while I did not agree with all of his opinions, he did bring something to the table as a sports writer. That was then. Today he is like a God, and his weekly pronouncements cause reverence and hysteria amongst all his believers.

[EPIC TANGENT ALERT!!!] Can you imagine if this was actually the case -- if God had His own Power Rankings each week? The posts we'd see on message boards would be insane:

• Christians knock off Jews as God's people this week! Numbah 1 babeey!!11! [Xx_LaMb_Of_GoD_xX]
• Moses is injured, we're not worried [FeartheZohan]
• Whatev, Jesus was nailed to a cross, k thnx bai [CanIhasSalvationplz?]
• Wicca beats Voodoo, Rasta an Shinto on road, and goes down 2 spots? Hata!!! [WynndrWymyn]
• Wiccans underrated! [Magic Circle Sister]
• Wicca hasn't even made the playoffs since the dark ages, ur aal dumb [Stan666]
• Ay, whaut be dis ting ye sayin, bway? Wicca bee lucky dis week, 'seen? [RudeBoy420]
• ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [Cth007h00]
• My head asplode [EmilyG]
• Atheism always last each week? WTF? [NoGod1999]
• Hey, why doesn't anyone respond? [NoGod1999]
• Hello? [NoGod1999]
• Anyone? [NoGod1999]
• .....god? [NoGod1999]
• God's rankings sux! Stupid Middle East Coast Bias, boo! [Dr.Zeus]
• Dharmic faiths more fulfilling than Abrahamic? [LittleBuddah5]
• In this life, or the next? [I_am_Ganesh!!!]
• +1 [Quetzoquatl4MVP]
• +1 [Quetzoquatl4MVP]
• Stopid servers, sry for dbl post [Quetzoquatl4MVP]
• +1 [Quetzoquatl4MVP]
• lolz, u mean trippple post [ODiN>>>L0Ki]
• heh heh heh [Quetzoquatl4MVP]
• whatever, it's all rigged [Xenuluvr88]
• Shuttup elroy [72Virgins4me]
• Fine, believe what you believe, let me believe what I do [Xenuluvr88]
• Hey you *&%$#@! [TeeCruise] -- post pending deletion
• post deleted by administrator
• That's it! I am going to sue you in England! [TeeCruise] -- post pending deletion

[/EPIC TANGENT ALERT]

Such is the outcry every week when Stein submits his Power Rankings -- and it's slightly less funny to read what people write. And while Stein isn't God, the waves made by his weekly Power Rankings cause ripples all over the Internet. Sports Illustrated (a corporate RIVAL of ESPN) has a forum on their servers, yet on that server people who talk sports have message board throwdowns about Stein's rankings. SI has their own power poll, by the way, but the fans of SI are talking about ESPN's rankings . . . on SI's message board. Even The Onion, probably the most consistently funny (and honest) satirical view of our modern society, mentioned Stein's Power Rankings a while back. Would we care if Stein's rankings did not come from the self-styled "World Wide Leader", and thus, were bereft of this absolute authoritarian weight? Most likely no, because you don't see people go Apeshit "monkey poop mode" over the weekly rankings over at BallDon'tLie, or RealGM . . . well, they do, but not to the same level.

Ultimately, it is the fact that they style themselves as the WWL that draws us to them. Some agree, some disagree . . . and random people dedicate time to discussing them (good things and bad things), validating those people who feel like no press is bad press. I'm a sports fan. I hate ESPN. I really do love to hate them, and I feel justified in doing so as a fanatic of a small market sports team . . . but does it even matter to the execs over at ESPN? If they surfed their way over here they'd see "ESPN", "ESPN.com" and the word "love" about a dozen times and give each other raises, never really stopping to read it.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go check out their webpage to see if anything new is up . . . for me to go all Angry Dad over.

THAT'S OPINION!!! NOT NEWS!!!

Requisite Oscars/NBA cross over post

[EDIT: After several emails and other comments which told me that this post was unreadable, I re-formatted it so that it no longer appears ONLY in widescreen resolutions. Now all the text should appear. Thanks!]

If you are like me, you have a special woman in your life who made you a) watch the Oscars, b) simultaneously tape it to your digital media recording device, and c) do the same for the pre-Oscars red carpet thingy. Hopefully this is a small majority of men out there, for watching a program so self-aggrandizing disgusted me . . . then again, I read the ESPN.com website, so perhaps the two forums aren't too far off in reality. That said, let's take a look at some of the movies nominated (and not nominated), and see if there's some loose threads we can stitch together to make a post about . . .

	The big winner of the night was "Slumdog Millionaire", despite actually casting the talented Anil Kapoor in the role of a villain, the movie was pretty solid. It was not the best movie of all time, and it's not going to make anyone forget about previous movies that dominated the awards ceremonies, but it was a small film from the middle of no where that came on strong . . . and as people continued to notice it . . . it became such a huge hit that it ended up winning 8 Oscars -- you know 3 less than Ben Hur (my fav. movie of all time). Perhaps if the field was stronger this year, and there was more competition for Slumdog then the movie would not have been regarded as such a success. Sound like anyone we have on our team? It should, we have our own Slumdog Millionaire on our team in Paul Millsap -- born into a difficult situation in Louisiana growing up under harsh economic situations, yet learning the value of hard work, he has fought his way into the NBA and earned a minimum salary contract. This year he is a (restricted) free agent, and looks to break out and win his big payday.
	A few Jazz fans would easily take the easy route and make initial connections to Carlos Boozer with the movie "Doubt". I don't want to go there, especially not when his coach goes to bat for him and suggests that Carlos has done everything he has been asked to do. Instead, I'm going with "The Dark Night", while the movie was enjoyed, it did not really gain any critical claim (save for being nominated for 8 Oscars). The Dark Knight, essentially, is a movie that delves into the issues of perception and reality. Bruce Wayne is a good guy who is caring and hard working who hides that with the appearances of being an extremely wealthy 'douche bag' who lives a good life and is vapid, but somewhere between the real Bruce and the fake Bruce is a man who fights for good. Yet even in doing that his crime fighting persona is equally loved and vilified by the very people that he is fighting for. The only people who really get Batman, really understand him and the sacrifices he has made are those closest to him -- his team. How is this not Carlos Boozer? We all think he's a bad guy -- isn't this almost exactly how all people on Gotham's police force and underbelly alike (save for Gordon) see him? He is like a Dark Knight in that he is not without blemishes, he can take the criticism, yet still press on to do good.
	When looking on IMDB.com I see a lot of movies that are highly ranked partly due to their own virtues, but mostly popular due to how recent they are. The 'industry' really appears to be a 'what have you done for me lately' kind of business -- and this is similar to the NBA in some respects. Thankfully some performances do get recognized, even though they are by older actors, or happen to occur in movies that do not have high profile stars the kids of today are familiar with. It's pretty much the same mentality that makes Doc Rivers a two time coach of the year -- yet he couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag, he's been fired like 2 times hasn't he? Clint Eastwood is a throwback, and his character (in Gran Torino) of a grizzled old man assessing his life in the wake of his wife's death, and trying to still forge a place in the world for someone like him really seems a lot like Jerry Sloan. Sloan has won a lot of games and was an All-Star a few times as a player himself; Eastwood was one of the best leading men in the film industry and gone on to be a great director. If it is possible, I find that both are talked about quite a bit, yet, both are still under appreciated today.
	Okay, this one is a stretch, but . . . did anyone actually see the highly acclaimed movie "The Reader"? 15 year old boy thrown into 'the game' in Europe during crazy times, passionate love affair with older woman who has a crazy past? Dude likes to read? Sounds like Andrei Kirilenko, who turned pro at the age of 15 (well, I think it was 16, but that's still 2 years earlier than CJ did); and married an older woman. (Masha is a few years older) The time between Andrei being a professional till them meeting later in life masks some weird shit Masha did. No, she was not employed by a genocide organization, but she did study abroad and became a pop music producer. (Not exactly the straight and narrow) Let's just saw that she knew much more of the world before Andrei knew her.
	I don't really want to go into it, but "The Wrestler" and Matt Harpring -- both are tough, gritty and flawed individuals trying to do the best they can with what they have -- while fighting their toughest rival yet: father time. Both spend more time grappling than any of the fancy moves you see today, and I guess that Harpring's wife (who is a successful doctor pulling in over $175k per year) is kinda like former Oscar winner Marisa Tomei on some level on the spousal success meter.
	I did not watch this movie either, but the plot seems kind of interesting . . . there's this guy, and when he's born he's all old and stuff. And then he ages backwards . . . somehow there's a tie into a love interest (and the special time in their lives when they are both the same age) and something about New Orleans. I guess the point, or gimmick is that instead of getting older, something natural, he gets younger. What else defies the natural laws of reality? How about a guy who was pretty solid in his rookie season, only to get worse every following season in the NBA? Thus, I give you, "The curious case of Jarron Collins". (click on "the curious case of" to go to the imdb.com website for the movie, or click on Jarron's name to read his actually curious case)
	If you thought the Wrestler=Harpring thing was a stretch you're not going to like liking Kosta Koufos with "New Boy" . . . a story about being the new kid in school. Apparently there are some race issues in this movie, or undertones, and they probably don't exist in Kosta's life unless Memo gives him a hard time about Cyprus or something.
	Okay, this is another movie I have not seen, but . . . the concept of "Step Brothers" seems interesting: two guys end up having to live together (as their single parents get married) and they have to learn to live with it. They have a history of competition, but -- I'm guessing -- learn to work it all out together. I'm thinking 2005 Draft Pick C.J. Miles and 2006 Draft Pick Ronnie Brewer for these roles. They were initially thrust into having to live together (as starters), have a history of competition (they had to fight for playing time over the last few seasons) and -- we're hoping -- learn to work it all out together. Both hardly see much time in the 4th quarter of games, and have had their ups and downs this season, but right now both are playing quite well. Also their film history does suggest that they could carry a comedy film. (necessary link)
	Out of all of these, the least research was put into linking "The Visitor" with Morris Almond and Kyrylo Fesenko. In the movie a college professor learns that he has some illegal immigrant squatters living in his apartment -- instead of calling the cops we get a drama about cultural exchange and growth. Instead of making it a college professor, how about a college grad . . . and instead of squatters, a large Ukrainian guy (with work visa troubles) who doesn't have a drivers licence and calls you all the time when he needs to go somewhere? This has buddy comedy written all over it, something like Rush Hour meets What about Bob?, but without all the fighting, and probably about twice as much slap stick comedy.
	Okay, that's a flat out lie . . . the least research was actually trying to link "Burn after reading" with Memo, Korver, Brevin and Ronnie Price. Korver is the pretty dumb one (Brad Pitt). Knight is the intense dumb one (John Malkovich). Memo is the funny, bearded dumb one (George Clooney). Ronnie Price just wants to get paid (Frances McDormand). I got nothing.
	Lastly, I'm not a huge fan of remakes, though at times I can freely admit that a modern take on a great movie/character/script is well worth the admission. For example, I think that 12 Angry Men is a great movie; one that would be good in the right hands if remade. Similarly, John Stockton was amazing, and a modern take on him would desperately help our team escape from the Milt Palacio's and Keith McLeod's of previous years. That said, some times expectations are hard to meet on these remakes. "Quantum of Solace", on its' own, is an okay movie -- but as an closeted remake of the older Bond movie "Licence to Kill" it pales in comparison. The new Bond is better than the old Bond in some ways, similarly, Deron Williams is better than John in some ways -- but really, I think historical revisionism is going a bit far when some Jazz fans feel that Deron is better . . . Deron Williams' hasn't even made an All-Star team or been first in the league in APG in a season yet. But back to the movie . . . Quantum of Solace is, essentially, a revenge movie. A strong character who often has to do it on his own to get things done finally gets some help around the end of the film, puts it all together, and does what he is supposed to do, in order to attain that very small quantum of solace. Deron has over the past few seasons been an All-Star, though his 'team' hasn't won enough games by the All-Star break the past two seasons to warrant his inclusion in the All-Star game. This season has been no different. James Bond is in similar situations where he's not highly regarded, has to do it alone, and though hard work and perseverance gets the job done. The few quanta of solace for Deron this season (again, no All-Star nod) will have to be making the All-NBA team (again); getting just as far, if not farther than CP3 in the playoffs (again); and beating his ass in head to head competition (again).

Yeah. Going to bed at 2 am on a Sunday night isn't that fun . . .

101

Wow, I've posted 100 times so far on this blog. My initial thought was: "man, I'm such a loser". My secondary thought was that maybe I should do something special every time I break a multiple of 100. Honestly I thought that I'd have the time to post close to 50 things per month when I started as I had 42 posts in July, my first month posting, and I didn't make my first post until July 14th. I guess this is it, though . . . gotta make this post count . . .

CAPTION CONTEST!

What's going on in this picture?

Post your caption submissions in the comments section, the winner (decided by me) will get a prize. Don't be shy in offering up a caption, as the next time this will happen will be after post #200 . . . so we have a looo-ooong time before you'll get another shot at this.

YouTube Tuesdays! Special Triple Edition!

Okay, these are obviously for use during time-outs and other junk like that during Utah home games, but well, I'm certain that these out-takes are more entertaining than the fully finished products. It's just so . . . uh . . . absurd. I don't know if I should laugh, or file this under younger NBA player exploitation, or what . . . Anyway, these three gems are posted by "OfficialUtahJazz" [that's the Official YouTube account for the Utah Jazz, btw] and the videos are:

#1: Ronnie Brewer and CJ Miles Jokes Outtakes [0:36],

#2: Ronnie Brewer and CJ Miles Jokes Outtakes - 2 [0:32],

#3: and Ronnie Brewer and CJ Miles Jokes Outtakes - 3 [0:48].

They seemed to be labeled out of order (the Cow joke from #2 actually starts in #3), but the last two ones are funny. I guess.