Not-so-Jazzy nicknames . . .

Nicknames are all but dead in today's NBA . . . occasionally you'll get something good and simple like "Flash" for Dwyane Wade; or something that's a slight play off of a popular culture, like "The Matrix" for Shawn Marion. Unfortunately, the vast majority of nicknames are copy-cat nomenclature based off of the 'hip and cool' names that developed in the EARLY 90's, like C-Webb (Chris Webber) or J-Kidd (Jason Kidd). Some people notice that names like D-Will and Dwight-How are kind of -- well, uninspiring. For example, some individuals are trying to call Howard the Centaur (as he is reportedly half man and half beast), but that has not stuck at all outside of one website. Do you remember names like The Round Mound of Rebound, or Magic, or The Human Highlight Reel (or Film depending on which source you cite)? I remember names like that, and other names too: like Dr.J, or Pistol, or even something apt like the Microwave. Let's look at some of the current Jazz player nicknames, and then let's try to find something better, shall we?

First the Starters:

Deron Williams, PG, #8 "D-Will"	D-Will is his current nickname; others include Kingpin and D-Nasty (though I've never heard of those); additionally Hot Rod Hundley tried to call him "Slick Willy" for a while. I don't like it. It sounds like a sex thing. Horny is okay, because it's a condition, Slick Willy is an organ. Too risque for my tastes. Let's get away from the "W" for a rhyme, and rhyme on the D. I'd be more than happy with calling him The Dominator. (Hey, Dominic Hasek wouldn't mind...) His game is a series of moves which display not just dominance, but also straight up ownership of his opponents. (Look at the head-to-head with Chris Paul) He can kill teams with threes, or passes, or just flat out beating him man with his ball handling skills and dunking on the other teams center. (Right Chris and Tyson?) Additionally, no less than Larry H. Miller (you know this guy) said on the radio that his personality is such that he does not take pleasure in winning something unless there is some risk involved. He's not happy winning for the sake of winning, he is happy only by beating someone. For Deron to truly win someone has to lose. He is The Dominator.
Ronnie Brewer, SG, #9 "Brewdog"	Ronnie B is so junior high. Would we still call him something like this if we didn't have Price on the team? According to Jazzbots.com (?) he is Batman. (???) Mahalo.com (? part deux) suggests that his nickname is not Batman, but "Brewdog". Both of those names are more creative than "Ronnie B", so they get points. Unfortunately, both of those names still are pretty dumb. (No offense intended Ronnie Brewer, if indeed your nickname is Brewdog and you approve of it) It's still a name that is more than anything, a product of his name (Brewer). Would Antoine Carr have a cool nickname if his was Carrdog? No. He is the Big Dawg. (The O.G., not Glenn Robinson). I rest my case. His game is high flying and he has serious hang time. Let's call him Air Arkansas, or possibly Razorback Airlines or something a bit more creative than Mrs. Ward's 3rd grade class. If we can't remove ourselves from his name, then how about "Air Brewer" (in that Jordanesque type of way)?
Andrei Kirilenko, SF, #47 "AK-47"	Yeah, his home town is the same place where they manufacture those Russian guns, and those are his initials, and his player number -- and I guess his 38% 3pt shooting last season is pretty indicative of marksmanship . . . this nickname is creative enough for me to not mess with, especially since he's had it since he was a rookie over 7 years ago. It's pretty much untouchable right now, not unlike his contract. This guy is a weapon, he is AK-47.
Carlos Boozer, PF, #5 "C-Booz"	C-Booz. Really, this is a horrible nickname. Like: 'See spot run.' See Booz. Dumb name. Apparently he was called 'Los back in High school. We should probably aspire to name him after something wild and dangerous, not unlike that Grizzly bear tattoo on his arm . . . hmmm . . . what's wild and dangerous, and possible indigenous to where he developed a lot of his game? Hmmmm, I must be missing something obvious here . . . Alternative could involve him being a "Bruiser"; but I take a look at the fact that he was born in Aschaffenburg, (West) Germany, and thus, pronounce his surname like "Boots-zehrr" on occasion. Apparently his alternative nickname is "Booze" . . . which is a great name, imagine the levels of creativity needed to take off the last letter of someone's surname! All these years we've looked for a nickname for John Stockton, and it's been right there all this time! "Malone gets the pass from Stockto, and shoots it off the glass!" - Hot Rod
Mehmet Okur, C, #13 "Memo"	Memo. This name is also going to be hard for people to break away from as it's easy. His website url is even memo13.com, so I guess that's pretty much a wrap. Bolerjack calls him the Moneyman on occasion. I'd prefer to call him The Janissary. What is a Janissary? They were powerful Turkish (Ottoman) infantry soldiers who adopted quickly to firearms, including hand cannons and muskets. They hit the long bomb, basically, back in the mid 1300's. Mehmet is Turkish, Janissaries are Turkish -- both had funky costumes and facial hair. It seems like a good match. The only other thing is his sponsorship of some Turkish fruit juice product tie-in . . . the video (like that 5 Shaq's vs. 5 Shaq's commercial from way back when) is great. I don't think anyone wants to call him the Juice man or anything like that . . . Boler is all over the "Moneyshot" already. Let's not involve other fluids. The chances of any of these names sticking is slim, though some of these guys deserve better than a sophomoric play on their names.

Come back later this week for (better) bench nicknames!

Order of Magnitude

I have never lived in the great state of Utah, and as such, my exposure to the negative aspects of some of the players that played there were very limited. (only in the Office Polynice era did the media catch up) Growing up my daily newspaper was more interested in writing about the Montreal Expos or the Toronto Maple Leafs than anything else. As a direct result of that, I have a skewed view of the players that were my heroes. That said, my favorite NBA player of all time is Karl Malone. Sure, his off court life suggests a complexity within his soul that simply cannot be explained by throwing down hammer dunks on fools. He fought against the government to help out when FEMA could not, and he has fathered at least two professional athletes outside of wedlock. Perhaps it is best to just accept he has done greater things in his life than I have, and worse things in his life than I have. He lived in our world, but he ruled the basketball court.

The Jazz were quite successful during the Stockton to Malone era, and ideally, this success will be repeated in our current Deron Williams era. I am hesitant to suggest that this is fully the Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer era for a few reasons. If you spend any time scouring the web to read what other Jazz fans are concerned with you will learn the primary reason -- Boozer may not be a player here for much longer. The other reasons are, in my opinion, much more significant.

Stockton and Malone were All-Stars, Olympians, NBA Finalists, both on the Top 50 list and both played here for the majority of my life as a fan. Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer are both Olympians, Boozer has been an All-Star, Brandon Roy is currently holding Deron's spot for him, but both are quite young. Young and so far, do not have the career resumes that deserve mention next to two guys who have statues outside Deron and Boozer's place of work. Age, experience and time are factors, but a much larger descrepency exists when you look at how, for example, Carlos Boozer is regarded as a beast today, and how Karl Malone was a beast in his day. If you look at the stats, the game video, and the quotes from other players it becomes quite obvious. Karl Malone was just such a beast that he was a beast of a quite higher order of magnitude than Boozer is.

In games where Carlos scores a lot of points, they are primarily on jumpers -- effectively playing like Karl Malone did in Karl's last few seasons. In games where Karl scored a lot of points they were because he was doing it all in the paint, dunking on you and getting to the free throw line. It is no surprise to me that Carlos' career high is 20 points less than Karl's is.

Boozer had a *great* season in today's NBA, he averaged 21.1 ppg and grabbed 10.4 rpg. In Karl's 6th season (those are stats for Boozer's 6th) he averaged 29.8 ppg and 11.8 rpg. A big part of this is style of play. Boozer just doesn't get to the line . . . why? Because teams don't usually foul guys who score on open jumpers all day long. Other teams *had* to foul Karl, or he would have beasted them even more. The Mailman is clearly a few orders of magnitude greater than C-Booze, heck, his nickname is even better! Take a look at this YouTube video of Karl scoring his career high of 61 vs. the Milwaukee Bucks.



As great as Karl is on offense compared to Carlos, there is no empirical way to evaluate just how much better Karl is on defense. Out of all of his numerous awards, Karl was All-NBA defense 1st team 3 times, and 2nd team once. I say that there is no empirical way to evaluate their relative defensive skills because Carlos Boozer has yet to play any in his career as a Utah Jazz player.

Ultimately then this is the Deron William era, until Carlos Boozer wants to realize that if he wants a statue outside of the arena that he has to at least strive to become Bigger, Stronger and Faster. Fortunately, Deron Williams has an opportunity to be a better player than John Stockton . . . but more on that blasphemy later.